you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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