Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
