Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
