My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
