put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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