I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
