I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
