Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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