Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
