I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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