I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
