i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
