I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
