East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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