I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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