dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
