Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
