mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
