Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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