I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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