yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
