she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
