She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
