just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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