Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
