Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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