Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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