Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
