His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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