I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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