I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
