Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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