i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
