The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
