boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
