Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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