Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
