I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
