She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She told me I should be a condom model.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
