i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
farters have to be the big spoon...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
