there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
