Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
