I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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