Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
