Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
