i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
