i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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