I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
