the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
