I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
