If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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