Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
